$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
