I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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