How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
3pm strippers are depressing
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
