just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
