watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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