I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
