we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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