Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think my vagina is haunted
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
