Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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