I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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