I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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