Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
