you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
