I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
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so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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