i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
