You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
