God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
