I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
