Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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