I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
