I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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