guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
How naked do you want me to be?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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