John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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