someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize