the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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