Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did I end up in the pool?!
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I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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