I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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