im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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