i jhust puked up my retainher.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
