so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
