She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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