There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
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Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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