I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
