grandma shit on top of the toilet
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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