so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
