I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
