if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
