I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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