I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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