either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
