I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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