Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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