My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i now understand why vodka
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
