I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I wear drunk well.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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