I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
