rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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