he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I have aggressive nipples.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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