the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
