EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
