I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
