it hurts more in the daytime
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
