he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
