There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
