I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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